March/April 1989

One warm sunny afternoon in November I was sitting at my desk reading a library book about gorillas. I was looking at the gorillas when Kathleen, my cousin-sister, said, “Diane, why are you looking at that picture?” I said, “I’m just looking at it.” Then I said, “That gorilla looks big and scary. I only like orangutans and chimpanzees. They are small and they’re not mean.” It was three-thirty, time to go to the dorm. The students walked down the hallway heading for Dorm Two. That is where I live Monday through Friday because I am a Navajo girl and I live way out on the Navajo Reservation. I live out too far to go to a public school so I go to a boarding school. I started going to boarding school when I was very young and I don’t really like it. I miss my family and I look forward to going home every Friday afternoon. I said happily, “Kathleen, let’s go to the canteen after we eat supper.” Kathleen said, “O.K.” I looked up and I thought that I saw a giant hairy gorilla in front of me. It was like a dream but I was awake. I was scared and I ran behind Kathleen. Kathleen just started laughing. I think she thought that I was playing with her. I peeked from behind Kathleen’s shoulder and the terrible gorilla was showing his teeth and beating on his broad chest. My heart was racing and my hands began to sweat. Suddenly I felt a chill and I shuddered in panic. Kathleen, feeling my hands tremble on her shoulders, said, “What’s wrong?” I answered, “I’m scared.” She said, “What are you scared of? There is no one in front of us.” Then I looked up again and the gorilla was gone. I thought to myself, It was there! Kathleen was looking at me funny. She said, “What’s wrong with you? Are you crazy?” I didn’t want her to think that I was crazy so I said, “Let’s hurry and go to the dorm.” After a few hours it was shower time. There were about twelve of us girls in the shower. Their being there didn’t bother me because I was used to it. At home I used to take showers with my sisters. The girls were laughing and giggling. They were throwing the soap and washcloths around. I just smiled at them because I thought they were just being silly. Then I joined in and laughed and giggled. I forgot all about seeing the gorilla. I got out of the shower after I washed. I got my clean clothes and put them on. I felt a lot better. That night at eight-fifteen the dorm aid, Mrs. Capitan, came and said, “It’s time to go to bed.” She turned the lights off and I got scared. I remembered seeing the gorilla. I was suddenly scared to go to bed. I tried to go to sleep but I kept getting up. I kept feeling that someone was watching me. I was shaking and my eyes were wide open. I kept looking around in the dark but I didn’t see anything. I drew the blanket up under my chin and I finally went to sleep. When I went to sleep it was almost morning. I kept dreaming about the angry gorilla. The next day was a fine day. The night was scary and I was happy that it was daylight again. It was Thursday and I would be going home Friday and everything would be O.K. I went to class. The kids were working so I went to Miss Dorsett, my fifth grade teacher, and whispered to her, “I keep having dreams about gorillas.” Miss Dorsett said, “When you go home tell your mother about it. You may need to have a ceremony.” I felt better after that and I smiled. I knew Miss Dorsett would understand and help me. She always had time to listen to me and help me. After school I was back in the dorm. I was watching cartoons on TV in the living room. Mrs. Capitan was calling me. I got up and went to her. When I was standing by Mrs. Capitan I thought a gorilla started to hit me. I jerked back but nothing happened. I looked at Mrs. Capitan. She didn’t see anything so I thought I was dreaming. I felt like I was going to cry. Mrs. Capitan said, “Do you still have a headache?” I said, “Yes.” She gave me two aspirins and I took them. I thought that the aspirins might help me stop thinking about the gorilla. I went to bed but the aspirins didn’t help. Every time I slept the gorilla came back to me. I would just wake up shaking. I lay in my bed feeling alone. I kept thinking, Tomorrow is Friday. I’ll go home and I’ll tell my mom. Maybe I do need a ceremony. It was Friday morning and time for class. When I was going down to class with the rest of the noisy students I saw some orangutans in front of me. They were smiling at me and waving their furry little hands at me. I thought, The kind and nice orangutans are coming to say hello. I smiled at them and I felt really happy because I really like orangutans. Then suddenly a giant snarling gorilla flashed in front of me. He got between me and the friendly orangutans. With one gigantic paw he grabbed the orangutans and hit them with his other closed fist. The poor helpless orangutans were screaming and hollering. The gorilla killed them in a few seconds. I almost started to cry. I looked around to see if anyone else had seen me. The other kids were running around laughing and chattering as they walked to school. They had not seen anything. I was so scared. I struggled to hold the tears back and a little voice inside me said,