Overture: “Happy Go Lively” by Laurie Johnson. On the left half of the stage is a pristine white office room. On the right half, we see the burned down remains of a living room, with only a small side table still standing. On the table sits an old rotary phone. The OPERATOR sits in the office, and the CUSTOMER sits on a burnt stool in the living room. CUSTOMER angrily dials the phone. There is a pause, before the OPERATOR’S phone rings. The OPERATOR picks up the phone with a fake smile. OPERATOR Hello. This is customer service. How may I help you today? CUSTOMER Hello. Yes, I would like to file a complaint. The toaster I ordered exploded and burned down my house. OPERATOR Oh no! That’s terrible. First, you will need to give me the 16-digit personal identification code, your four-digit product verification code on the certificate of authenticity that you received with your product, and the official purchase edition number written on your product. CUSTOMER What? What are those!? OPERATOR You will need to take all of those things and fax them to the number listed on our website. CUSTOMER I don’t have a fax machine. I don’t think anyone does. Also, my house burned down. OPERATOR Yes. We will wait for your fax. Thank you. CUSTOMER Well, can I file a complaint through your website? OPERATOR Yes, we have a website. Please go there. CUSTOMER Can I please just file a complaint with you? OPERATOR Do you have your 16-digit personal identification code? CUSTOMER I already told you I don’t! OPERATOR Then no. CUSTOMER: AAAAAAAGHHHH! OPERATOR Transferring to AAAAAAAGHHHH department. Please hold. “Happy H. Christmas” by Maniacs of Noise begins to play. OPERATOR (As the music stops) Welcome to the AAAAAAAGHHHH department. Unfortunately, there has been a mistake. Please select a new department. For billing, press 1. For sales, press 2. For tech support, press 3. For a hilarious and amusing story, press 4. A very long time passes. For the complete soundtrack of both the movie and the Broadway production of Sweeney Todd, press 13,216. For the nearest free trade door knocker manufacturer, press 13,217. For complaints department, press 13,218. CUSTOMER sighs very loudly and violently spins the dial on the rotary phone. OPERATOR Okay, please hold. Thank you. “Happy H. Christmas” by Maniacs of Noise begins to play once more. OPERATOR Hello! This is the complaints department. What can I do for you today, valued customer? CUSTOMER I have a complaint regarding terrible customer service. Also, are you the same person? Because this sounds like the same person. OPERATOR (Suddenly speaking in a German accent) No. I am not the same person. Why would you think that? CUSTOMER Are you sure? Because you sound like the same person I was just talking to, only with a German accent. And I still have a complaint. OPERATOR (Still speaking with a German accent) Shall I transfer you to my superior? CUSTOMER Okay. Fine. Whatever. A different terrible, obnoxious song begins to play. OPERATOR (Russian accent) Hello, this is management! Management is testing out a new robotic help cyber-bot. It is still in the learning phase. Please be patient. CUSTOMER I don’t think I’ve got much patience left. And you are definitely still the same person. OPERATOR (French accent) Non. What is it with you and your false accusations? I’m a different person! CUSTOMER Well for starters, you keep changing your accent. OPERATOR (Southern accent) I do not. CUSTOMER Can I just talk to the robot? Please? OPERATOR Fine. Whatever. There is a long pause. CUSTOMER sighs heavily. OPERATOR exits stage left and is replaced with an advanced-looking ROBOT, played by someone wearing a plain, white mask that features a blank expression. ROBOT Hello! This is the management support robot! What can I help you with? CUSTOMER Customer service. ROBOT Could you repeat that, please? CUSTOMER Tech support. ROBOT I think you said, “Deck fork.” If this is correct, press any diagonal sequence of numbers. If this is incorrect, press the function key. CUSTOMER What?! What’s a function key?! I don’t have a function key! ROBOT I think you said, “I don’t have a function key.” If this is correct, press the function key. CUSTOMER This is insane! Why don’t you just have normal customer service?! ROBOT Uh-oh! What can we do to make your experience better? CUSTOMER I don’t know! ROBOT I am still in the learning phase. Please be patient. CUSTOMER They should have waited until you were done with the learning phase to let you take calls! (Beat) This ought to be against the law! ROBOT I think you said, “I shot my grandma.” Shall I call 911? CUSTOMER No! No! Don’t call 911! This is a disaster! ROBOT What can we do to make your experience better? CUSTOMER I haven’t got a clue. ROBOT I think you said, “My baby’s in the barbecue.” If this is correct— CUSTOMER No! No! Just shut up! I just want to talk to the complaints department! ROBOT Okay, redirecting to the complaints department. CUSTOMER (Relieved) Yes! Finally! ROBOT Uh-oh. There’s been a glitch. Restarting. Shutting down. ROBOT exits and is replaced by OPERATOR. OPERATOR Hello. This is customer service. How may I help you today? CUSTOMER slams the phone down and storms off stage right. OPERATOR sets down its phone, turns to face the audience, and shrugs. CURTAIN CALL. Music: “Window Gazing” by Ivor Slaney.
Play
The Illusory Life of Mr. Brite
Characters MR. BRITE Downtrodden man wearing a black suit stuffed with pads to give the appearance that something is encasing his entire body except his head, which is left bare. Should be at least 50 years old. Should be slumped weakly in a wheelchair. ILLUSION Confident, brightly and colorfully dressed man or woman wearing rainbow-colored, feathered clothing, a rainbow-colored eye mask, and three necklaces: one red, one yellow, one blue. COMPUTER Person in black with his/her face hidden, standing by the upstage curtain. Should speak in a soothing voice. NARRATOR Well-dressed man or woman with dark makeup on face to disguise features. Setting A lonely, dark apartment in a polluted city. A window frame showing a polluted sky filled with tall buildings is set against the upstage curtain. A futuristic computer with a screen showing random numbers, letters, and symbols sits on a side table next to the wheelchair in which rests MR. BRITE. The stage is bare but for these items. All events take place over the course of a few hours sometime in the future. Act One The lights are very dim and remain so throughout ACT I. The actor who plays COMPUTER stands in the upstage left corner, barely visible. NARRATOR circles the stage broodingly. MR. BRITE is asleep in his wheelchair. NARRATOR ( Ominously, slowly ) Mr. Brite is a man like any other man in this Artificial Age. His robotic exoskeleton, which encases his entire body but for his head, keeps him alive and moves his body to push his wheelchair. His computer reads his thoughts and, in turn, controls his exoskeleton. He need not move. He need not speak. (Sighs heavily) Mr. Brite’s is a silent world indeed. Always alone. You will hear his thoughts and the computer’s responses, but remember that they are not actually speaking aloud. (Pause) Only one thing sets Mr. Brite apart from others in the Artificial Age—he is dissatisfied. Life is easy; no one has any worries or concerns or anxieties. But Mr. Brite wonders: “What is my purpose? What lies beyond my door?” He wants to know. NARRATOR leaves us with that to contemplate. Then COMPUTER’s “thoughts” to MR. BRITE break the silence. COMPUTER Sir? Sir! Are you awake? BRITE groans and lifts his head blearily. Looks at COMPUTER’s screen, annoyed. MR. BRITE (Groggily) I am now. What is it? COMPUTER You’ve been asleep for so long. I was worried. With your illness and everything, I thought . . . MR. BRITE Dissatisfaction. Not illness, Computer. I’m dissatisfied. You perpetuate my condition. If you’d just let me go outside . . . COMPUTER (Calmly) No, sir, you can’t go outside. The air is filthy and you’ll die. MR. BRITE (With begrudging resignation) You’re right, I suppose. But it is you and the other technologies that release gasses and make the air this way in the first place. COMPUTER (Cogently, with satisfaction) But I control your exoskeleton. You need me. MR. BRITE (Sighing) I need you. (Pause) Computer? COMPUTER Yes? MR. BRITE Are there others like me out there? Other humans, I mean? I can’t be the only one, can I? COMPUTER Yes, sir. Billions. MR. BRITE Billions?!?! COMPUTER Billions. MR. BRITE Show me one! COMPUTER I’ve been over all of this with you so many times before, sir—I can’t show you another human. My No. 1 protocol is to keep you here, safe from harm. If you see another human, you’ll only want to determine its location and meet it, and that would be dangerous. I can’t risk it. MR. BRITE (Deflated) Very well. Have we really been over all of this before? My memory hasn’t been very good lately. COMPUTER (Exasperatedly) Yes. We have discussed it almost to death, sir. And my protocol does not allow for your death, sir. There is a moment of silence. MR. BRITE (Yawning) I’m tired. I’d like to go back to sleep. Don’t wake me for another 13 hours. COMPUTER Very well, sir. It shall be so. NARRATOR Thus is the plight of Mr. Brite, and all men and women in this Artificial Age. They deserve to leave, to escape, to be free, but their Computers force them to stay. Undoubtedly this makes you feel bad, as it should, but fear not. Things are soon to change. Lights dim. End of Act One. Act Two The lights come up slightly brighter than in Act One. MR. BRITE is still asleep when ILLUSION enters stage right, looks at the audience with a playful smile, and “shushes” them with a finger to its lips. Then it creeps up on MR. BRITE’s wheelchair from behind and taps him on the shoulder. MR. BRITE Agh! ILLUSION Hello, Mr. Brite MR. BRITE What-what-what’s going on? (Looks around and sees ILLUSION) Who are you?! ILLUSION I am a dream. Or perhaps I am a spirit, a hallucination, a phantasm, a trick of the light. Perhaps I am a delusion or a deception. Perhaps I am imagined. Perhaps I am real. Consider me a vision. I am much like you and your kind, am I not? Whatever I may be, I would prefer you call me “Illusion.” MR. BRITE I-I don’t understand. What’s going on?! ILLUSION The world is wasting away—that’s what’s going on. The people need a hero. Humans weren’t always controlled by computers, you know. MR. BRITE Controlled by computers? What are you talking about? I control Computer. ILLUSION (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah. Anywho . . . you’re dissatisfied. So I’m here to help. Perhaps I was “sent.” Perhaps I’m a figment of your dormant mind sorting things out. You be the judge. No matter what, I need to give you some “I and I”—Intelligence and Inspiration. With those as your tools, you can save humanity from degrading into useless lumps of flesh. Already your computer controls your movements. What’s next? Your mind? MR. BRITE But I control Computer! ILLUSION (Sighing) Let’s get some things straight. First off, the computer does control you. It withholds information that you could use to leave