July/August 2004

Jessica Morgan was ten years old and was already sure she was no good at anything. Her parents were eminent historians who studied the Civil War. They each had written numerous books and articles on the subject of Civil War history. Everyone Jessica knew seemed to admire them, including Jessica herself. To Jessica, her parents appeared to have limitless confidence and skill. She, on the other hand, had never felt successful or competent at anything she tried. Sometimes, Jessica wondered how she could be so different from her parents. One hot summer afternoon as Jessica sat reading, the telephone on the wall beside her rang loudly. She picked it up on the second ring, placing a bookmark in her book. “Hello?” “Jessica, it’s Cassie.” “Oh, hi.” Ten-year-old Cassie Parker had been Jessica’s closest friend for six years. The girls chatted for a few minutes, and then Cassie said, “You know my brother’s old kayak? Well, we’re getting rid of it.” “That beat-up one with the wooden paddle? Why?” Jessica was surprised. She knew he loved that old kayak. She herself had seen him using it. “My brother Aaron got a brand-new kayak for his eighth birthday. Now my parents are dying to get the old one out of the garage. I thought because you live right on the creek and you don’t have a kayak, maybe you’d like it.” Jessica hesitated. She didn’t know the first thing about kayaking. What should she do? Suddenly, she heard herself say, “Sure, I’ll take it. My parents have always said I could have a kayak if I wanted one, but I’ve never had the chance to get one.” “Now you’ve got a great chance. So, you want it?” “Yes, I do!” Jessica’s heart leapt. She was really getting the kayak! “OK.” Even if she couldn’t see Cassie’s face, Jessica was almost positive her best friend was smiling by her pleased tone. “I’ll bring it over Saturday morning at ten. Is that OK?” “Yeah, sure! Bye.” “Bye.” Jessica’s heart leapt. She was really getting the kayak! Jessica hung up the phone again and considered opening her book, but she was too excited to read. Tomorrow she would have her very own kayak. Visions filled her mind—visions of herself moving silently, gracefully through the marsh creeks behind her house, cutting the water smoothly. Visions of racing Cassie time and time again, propelling herself swiftly past Cassie’s red kayak, winning dozens of races. Then the dreams were abruptly cut short. What if she was horrible at kayaking . . . just like everything else she’d ever tried? The visions changed to pictures of herself floundering in the water, having tipped over her kayak, of herself running into the banks of the creeks and getting stuck in the mud. Jessica knew she was rarely any good at anything, and, now that she thought about it, was positive that she would be as bad at kayaking as she was at video games and tennis and soccer and everything else she tried to do. All her friends were good at something. Cassie was a straight-A student, Ginny was the best pitcher on the local baseball team, and Lila was always talking about her most recent experiences climbing mountains. They had never been mean to Jessica when she failed to do something as well as they had done it, but she nevertheless felt embarrassed every time they looked at her, smiling kindly, and said, “Come on, Jess, you know you can do it. Just try really hard.” Jessica’s mind drifted back to last April, when she and her friend Lila had gone to their hometown’s annual spring festival. There, among all the usual attractions, was something new—a climbing wall. “Hey, let’s give it a try!” Lila had said enthusiastically, stepping forward. Jessica had had a sinking feeling, but she had agreed because she didn’t want to appear as though she were afraid to try. As the girls neared the wall, Lila confidently stepped up to the more challenging side, while Jessica uneasily approached the easier one. They were given harnesses to put on, and began climbing. The movements felt unnatural to Jessica. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t seem to find any handholds. It seemed that she stayed in one spot forever, awkwardly attempting to move upward. Out of the corner of her eye, she had seen Lila, scrambling steadily higher. As Jessica tentatively pulled herself up another notch, she heard a sound that made her heart sink. It was the ring of the bell from the top of the climbing wall. That meant Lila had already reached the top and was on her way back down. Jessica, convinced she couldn’t make it any further, gave up and headed toward the ground. Even now, the memory of that day made her cringe. She was still thinking about that day, and about how she would probably have a similar experience with kayaking, when she went downstairs for supper that night. Only Jessica’s mother, Elizabeth, was at the dinner table—presumably her father, James, was still working hard in his study. “Hello, Jessica,” said her mother, putting a plate of spaghetti in front of Jessica as she sat down. “Hi. Cassie called. They’re giving away Aaron’s old kayak.” “Oh? Why?” “Aaron got a new one for his birthday Well, anyway, Cassie called me to offer the kayak to me. If it’s OK, she’s bringing it over tomorrow.” Her mom smiled. “I hope you’ll like it.” The rest of dinner passed in silence—they were both hungry, and felt no need to talk. After eating, Jessica read her book and watched television awhile, and then went to bed, apprehensive about the next morning. *          *          * Jessica woke abruptly at the insistent ring of the alarm on the clock radio sitting on her nightstand, which read eight o’clock. She got out of bed, showered, and changed into shorts and a T-shirt, and by that time it was eight-thirty. Only an hour and a