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Note: this entire blog is satire and should not be taken seriously.

A shocking study shows that after people look at their phones, two things happen that go against anything anyone will ever tell you about phone addiction. First, your brain gets bigger as it retains more information in various forms of media: video, audio, text, image, etc. Second, your eyes are strengthened by the UV light coming from the screen as they form an immune system (of a sort) against it; it grows stronger by being exposed to UV light intensively and for long periods of time.

The effects of these changes are already apparent. John Smith, a current student at Tech High School, said, “Miracles have been working on me ever since I got a phone. After looking at it on a daily basis for just one month, I was somehow able to retain information during lectures that I would normally daydream through and the glare of the sun that always bothered me on my walk home is now no more to me than a tiny speck of light in the distance. It is a win-win situation!”

But, the goodness doesn’t stop there. Scientists are developing new phones that incorporate smell and texture as media options, enabling the human brain to grow unlike ever before, and that also uses rougher “training” lights to truly achieve the coveted ability of “night vision” and possibly even X-Ray vision.

Scientist Gina Wright says, “We are excited at the prospect of a phone that would make addiction a good thing; a thing that could grant us superhuman abilities.” She is currently working to create a new phone company, Superphone, that will supposedly be “the tech of the generation.” But even a regular phone works; just be sure to stare at it every day!

As important as they may be, phones aren’t the only ones in this business. Laptops and desktops can grant superhuman powers at an even faster rate, mostly due to the volume of “rough” light and media taken in at once. However, even though these devices empower you at a faster rate, they aren’t as commonly stared at as phones, thus trading speed for time.

Even though eye and brain improvement and expansion are the main aspects that are being focused on right now, technology addiction can also cause physical changes. On a phone, since most scrolling and texting is done with your thumbs, they will also grow bigger and stronger. The effects of a tablet are similar. However, for laptops or desktops, the effects are different. Instead of having your thumb grow, all your fingers grow, but each at a slower rate. This is good if you often have to do things that require multiple fingers at once, but if you have trouble with something like opening a can, which is mostly a one-fingered job, it is better if you stick with a phone or tablet.

You can also get devices that focus on just one aspect. For example, a television set would focus on improving and expanding the eyes, while a CD player would focus more on expanding the brain.

Isn’t it exciting to think that, with only the help of everyday objects, Earth could be inhabited by superheroes? Maybe one day, our brains will be so advanced we could obtain the skill of telekinesis, and your eyes would be so durable they wouldn’t be burned when looking directly at the sun. I’d like to leave you with this final thought: we can only dream of these things because scientists found the good in something we previously thought bad. Perhaps if you dig down deeper into something, you might uncover astonishing and world-changing secrets!

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